Struggling into 2007

Ahh.... One more day, 24 more hours and 1000's of more minutes...This year is only about 45 days into its bloom and yet has brought so many different challenges to my life... I love challenges and struggle, I just do not enjoy hopelessness.
It seems like a long story..December was OK. I was very busy at work. She probably just doing her stuff. Let me think..
We went to the pistons on 31st Dec with floor tickets... fight that night
I worked on moving all my finances to Quicken.
January, It was our wedding anniv. I bought her coats. We had dinner at Red Lob and so on. We have also been meeting with Naj's family in December.
Work has been very busy, working on different databases and taking on more and more responsibilities. Yeah all things like that. December & January was creppy mainly becoz of pak issues with new house & stuff. Sent 3g to amee. fights with amee etc. . and just one thing after another. This month we have been dining out a lot. Her involvement in things is always minimal. I just feel like I have to take care of her like a teenager. our arguments, our bickering, our attacks on each other just keep getting worse. Few days ago we started arguing in the mall on some stupid thing I said & how she responded, turned out it was all just a misunderstanding and lack of proper communication.
Last week, i just stopped arguing and decided to not get frustrated anymore. Last night it was again something she said that just pierced through my heart and short circuited my brain..
All around me.... just hopelessness & hell. I did not argue, I stopped saying anything. just went out & tried to fall asleep. Last 30 days we have been working on apartment, I go back & there is so much still needs to be done. I work all day & then go home & start working again. First time in her married life she has re arragned small things a little bit. Argument was about her having so many clothes. atleast 6 boxes , that are just sitting there. boxes of Clothes.
I dont know may be she is right, may be its not that many clothes, may be I am wrong. Just can't argue with her anymore. Just don't want to argue anymore. Just wanna be nice and live my life....

Month of Ramadan 06

This is the first year probably in my 30 years of life that I am fasting. I used to fast before but only like once or twice, this year since I quit smoking and switched to cigars once in a week, I am able to fast. I am however frustrated like always, trying to relax and calm down but I am not really that happy. Why? Maybe the underlying unresolved issues that I have to live everyday and I cannot control or do anything to fix. This summer we went to NewYork city, then we went one day trip to Chicago, we also visited Marquette, The job situtation, the ugly relative situation, the frustrating wife teasers. I guess the problem is with me, I just dont know how to be happy. I dont like anything. Story of my life, miserable all the time. What a pity !!

David Copperfield

Dora Spenlow - David’s first wife and first real love. Dora is foolish and giddy, more interested in playing with her dog, Jip, than in keeping house with David. Because David cannot bear to displease Dora, he permits her to retain the pouty habits of a spoiled child.
From David Copperfiled by Charles Dickens

Monday - An UnHaPpY MaN

I am bored to the point where I am just feeling awful and stressed. Beautiful weekend spent rather unhappily. I am so stuck at this point. I don't know who to talk to or what really to do. I don't have any friends anymore. My wife is lovely and nice but we are so from two different planets. I don't like my family back home anymore. It seems like nobody is doing the right thing. Quite a disappointing and hopeless situation. Life has become just so meaningless at times. Monday morning and I feel like doing nothing, have no zest for anything, even though I have worked so hard last week or weeks before. I am in general fast and hard working person, but I am becoming so alienated. In general I don’t feel good about anything, I don’t like anything anymore and I surely don’t enjoy anything. We went to this festival and I was just feeling tense all the time. May be I should go back to medication but I am even scared to take medicine. Sometimes I strongly feel that I am living a lie. My feelings are so mixed up, my emotions are so dismantled and yet I have to perform my daily duties day in and day out.
I know I have those sick more obsessive and less compulsive traits.. like thoughts stuck in my head, like a guy who owes me some money but wont give it to me, and will keep lying to me and If I go "give me ma fucking money", he will start threating me for threatening .. or the thought that my car is not fixed and will never get fixed.. I like things to be well defined and straight otherwise i go bananas.
In short I am a very unhappy man. I have everything but a sound brain to be happy. I want to have some fun. I want to enjoy and relax and all that crap.